Zepths blog of tech and personal

sexuality

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 23:28:09 GMT

ok so i like wearing panties, and tights/stockings and corsets... but damn it now bra's as well.

I hate the fact that i like doing it, just wish i had someone to share it with, not a girlfriend, maybe a fuck friend... but truly i need some kind of mistress.

not talking about getting fucked in kinky ways sort of thing... but just someone to give me tasks to do, like wearing girls clothes out and stuff, and so that i've got somewhere to go and explorer this side of me better...

but meh, it don't matter, a week or two from now and most of it will probly have stoped and bambi won't have to put up with it...if she dumps j before coming to england that is...

long time no write

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 20:32:12 GMT

just watching a show on famous people being homeless for three days, and two of them want to work rather then beg... makes me feel real lazy in my jobseeking efforts. last day at oxfam tomoz... then i've got to get back to signing on...oh joys... six months i'd i'll be back at oxfam most likly lol

I don't know

Fri, 15 May 2009 08:58:12 GMT

What i regreat more... going to university when i didn't have much intrest in going... or giving up on university.

If i hadn't have gone then life would have been alot different for me... for starters i'd have been on jobseekers for like 3 years now, and I wouldn't have met some of the greatest people in the world (Andy, Kate, Alex and Amber). I would probably have less scars on my arms though lol.
If i had stayed, got my placement etc... then maybe i would have spent more time with amber... but meh ignoring that maybe i'd have a better chance of getting a job... well in a year i would lol

anyways... job seekers sucks... and so does life... but i got counceling sorted out for next wednesday... ¬_¬ or is it the wednesday after :S meh i'll check laterz

isolation

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 08:52:28 GMT

My occupational therapist talked about isolation last night... and now i'm sat up stairs... unable to get on with work because i don't know the passwords into ebay and oxfam... and like fuck am i gona go ask for help to get on with work...

i really do have a thing for isolating my self ^_^ lol

stupid day dreamer

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 12:13:31 GMT

Thats me! Now that my dreams are hidden from me once more, i find my self day dream most days away... but today... frigin amber again isn't it... I don't know why I keep imaganing me getting back into her life... but i do... and i can't say it makes me happy.

I'm so bored of life, had an interview this morning, and got some further interview/test thing tomorow 12-8/9pm ... don't know if i should be excited about the prospect of getting a job or not... because i just don't really care about it...

Lol at the application form though "rate your self esteem" erm... so low you need a magnfing glass just to spot it? lol if only that was an option.

I can't be arsed with this any more, i'm never going to fall in love again... hell i don't even want to at the moment... i just want...

death... depresingly

oxfam

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 11:14:07 GMT

Bored as hell listing stuff for oxfam... listening to radio... and even though i know she's well over me and even with someone else... pinks song "belong together" yea... sounds like some shit i was tellin my self a few months ago...

life is so shit...
...just don't want to live any more

self harm

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 16:43:51 GMT

just been cutting again... don't know why... just felt like it.

none of the cuts went deep, infact i'm surprised it started bleadin as much as it did.
Then my dad came up to tell me he was takin nana home.
I tried to hide it from him... but the blood was pourin over my arm

stained a white t-shirt with blood now
and my fav blue jeans.

I don't even know why i wanted to cut
i don't know why i struggled to get the blade
sevreal little slices down '18-12'
don't even make me feel good

infact i started cryin when my dad reliesed

i can't stand being alive any more... it's all just shit

roses for valentines

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 10:10:30 GMT

The real reason i bought the dozen rosses in wolverhampton, was not because i thought it'd be inapropriate, but because i wantted to watch them die... hopefully with my love for amber.
However when i saw her again, i just had to give her them... i don't know why, probably the same reason why i get tempted to buy her flowers every time i walk past a flower store... because i didn't remember her favourite flower.
I wish i could stop thinkin of her, i realy do... i just want to sort of get on with my life, forget her... mark her up as an ex... but i can't... and it's startin to annoy me now.

I asked her if i could see her again soon, she seemed to smile when i suggested christmas... but i guess i'm just clutching to straws in hopes she's just testing me.
I'm such a sap.

though her hand round my neck while andrew wasn't looking... damn... that turned me on lol

wish i could chear up a lottle

so much for my happy ending

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:24:02 GMT

I kid my self that she means something to me
She's just another girl, and i know they'll be sevreal more
Maybe i need to stop waitin for a happy ending, and start livin
Too many girls have made me obsessed with them like she has
and i need to get my head out of the clouds

actually i need a goal in life, and right now i don't have one
hell can't even think of something to do with my weekends.

but got oxfam placement interview thing on tusday, so that'll give me something to do.

Then i'll either look into doin a night course at hull college, or try gettin a job in IT... will give me a big punch up in my moneiez lol

The main thought i've got of her now is "does she think of me"

drawing

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 12:57:43 GMT

i keep doing stupid little drawings...
I hate them
Each one gets to a certain point
and i just look at it
it's wrong
draw something else
do something else

i really want to draw her

as i remember her

but the dream ended without me bein able to see her

so i forgot her pritty little face, and only remember her black hair

grrr feel so bored and useless...

only 'cut' again yestie... little peice of glass... it stung... i sort of enjoyed it... but not like what i used to... seems like most of my emotions apart from self hatrid are switched off... oh well, at least the odd thing makes me smile though.

p.s. keeping people off your mind is hard

depressing

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 13:06:34 GMT

just read over about three years of my journal... and reliesed i never posted about a good day with amber.

I've posted the same sorta crap about her recently, that i did with amy... and funnily there isn't any mention of amy on my blog.

more importantly someone commented on here, no name... and now i'm paranoid about it being posted by amber.

It wouldn't surprise me that she knows about this blog
just surprise me that she reads it.

but noticed a cute girl at strand house... damn wish i wasn't so dam shy some times.

amber

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 12:26:01 GMT

I'm really fed up of how i feel for her.
she hates me because i'm pathetic... and i've got to agree with her there.
but theres just something about the way she made me feel.

i never had friends like she does... and she made me feel like a friend.

but she might have well just been playin mind games with me

i feel sick almost everyday

music doesn't help

not because it reminds me of her... but because pritty much every song is some sort of love song... and i love her way too much for my own good.

but meh, a4e starts tomorow... oh joys... hopefully get a job by the end of it... and i'm gona send her something for her birthday... even though she hates me... just because i can really.

hallelujah - the song i sang when waitin for her :'(

life death and the bits inbetween

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:10:31 GMT

I'm fed up of thinkin of her, she made me feel so good over the last year... but it's all over now.

The trick to enjoying life isn't just falling in love with someone. It's also about getting out and being someone. However sometimes people are just a bit too shy to get out and do things, they just seem to fade away, writting crap about people they never plan on meeting.

however every once in a while, these people fall in love... then they will risk everything just to see that person again... only to feel rejected... and that makes them start to doubt who they are, or why they did what they did.

she was everything i needed from a friend, let alone a girlfriend... however i would never risk goin out with her just because my mind wouldn't allow it. Then when i thought we was goin to try being more then what we was, she leaves my life.

I'm sure at one point i'll pull my self together.
however i doubt my dreams in where i get to see her again.
but in a sad way, they keep me going.

dreams

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 12:17:42 GMT

i wish i could say i dreamed of her last night... but it seems like all my thoughts have just stoped, can't even think of something to write on here... i just feel god damn numb

555

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 16:01:48 GMT

if so then your still my six six six and the honest truth... i would again if you really just wantted to be with me... rather then be alone... if you need a walk or a talk... i know lots of girls... but i just wana talk

bleading heart ranger

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 02:32:20 GMT

i never knew i could miss her this much
i gave her shit about being with me
and now... i just want to be with her
it's not just cause i'm lonly
it's not a mind game
this girl cared for me
despite my own self hate
and now everyday that she doesn't talk to me is torture. i can't believe she actaully stoped talkin to me

i wish she did it sooner... then maybe i would have asked her out...
god i feel fucking retarded. i miss her... but i'm about 90% sure she's happier now that she's not thinkin of me... but i mean... she is just so damn perfect, from the way she fucks, to the way she laugths. the way she taunts to the way she cries. she is the only person to have ever been able to make me happy just because i cheered them up... and i miss being her friend, more then i miss being her fuck. i miss hearing her rants about school, i miss her yelling at her sister when we're on the phone. i miss the girl so damn much... that i don't want to be allowed back into her life...

hopefully a year will pass, and we'll meet again... then maybe circumstance will be different... and i'll treat her right.
but until that day i miss her... and i want no-one till i can kiss her

what if

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 22:11:33 GMT

i just disapeared.
i don't mean as in died
i mean just disapeared
no more blogging, no more vampirefreaks, no more deviantart

think anyone would notice (no bambi that doesn't include you)

think anyone would care

think i'd ever die?

oh well

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 11:11:25 GMT

start again...

isn't it strange how when i finnaly want her
she finnaly leaves me alone

so scared of hurting her that i pushed her away to the point of no return

all i want is to see her happy again

i tried my damn hardiest to make it this weekend

but i guess i was more scared of being happy.

so i guess its time for me to start again

return to the life i wantted

and see if i can't live my life through this self distructive route

i can't believe she's done this

after everything...

she chooses comfort
and i'm just wrap in wire

paranoid about andrew

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 21:16:23 GMT

everyone i love seems to be going off with andrew.
i feel like i've been left behind, because no-one wanted to follow me
i wonder sometimes about the purpose in running my own path, when everyone else just seems to fall into mainstream and sweep away to the start.
why does no one fight what they want in there future, rather then worry about a saftey net when life gets you down.

i wish i understood the coping methods of others, because i've lost mine.

bleading heart emo ranger

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:38:21 GMT

has died... and chronics ran out of funding... so that just leaves....erm... oh yea... me mopping over sweedish girls that i don't want to fuck, just love playin turn on games with.

i miss my sweed.

isn't it sad

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 20:22:45 GMT

when you only want to talk to one person, and you can't even be arsed to sit in a chat room.

damn i miss her too damn much some times.

get a life

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:35:54 GMT

move out
live in poverty
earn enough to live
see your mates
get out of bed
meet your wife
have a kid

GET A LIFE

stop worrying about money.

works hard

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 19:12:09 GMT

cause no-one fucking works at it.

lost all my contacts, and i'm starting a new business... how the fuck am i suppose to start advertising my work...

re: bambi...

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 05:57:30 GMT

Happy Dead-day Zepth Warr!!

According to our records (if you filled in the stuff correctly) you have been alive for yet another year! Just think of all the pain and suffering your mother went through to birth you on this very day! I hope it was all worth it for her! :)

Seriously, do have a good birthday, and party hard for all of us here at DeadJournal.com!

3d work

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 02:00:14 GMT

tehe just designed my self a 3d island, and played with bryces tools. rather impressed with the work.. and it's a demonstration of what i will be able to do in the future.... though i did also cheat and use a pre-defined island as a contrast to my current skills lol.