| long time no write | |||
| 09:30pm 24/06/2009 | |||
| just watching a show on famous people being homeless for three days, and two of them want to work rather then beg... makes me feel real lazy in my jobseeking efforts. last day at oxfam tomoz... then i've got to get back to signing on...oh joys... six months i'd i'll be back at oxfam most likly lol | |||
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| I don't know | |||
| 09:52am 15/05/2009 | |||
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What i regreat more... going to university when i didn't have much intrest in going... or giving up on university. If i hadn't have gone then life would have been alot different for me... for starters i'd have been on jobseekers for like 3 years now, and I wouldn't have met some of the greatest people in the world (Andy, Kate, Alex and Amber). I would probably have less scars on my arms though lol. If i had stayed, got my placement etc... then maybe i would have spent more time with amber... but meh ignoring that maybe i'd have a better chance of getting a job... well in a year i would lol anyways... job seekers sucks... and so does life... but i got counceling sorted out for next wednesday... ¬_¬ or is it the wednesday after :S meh i'll check laterz |
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| isolation | |||
| 09:52am 29/04/2009 | |||
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My occupational therapist talked about isolation last night... and now i'm sat up stairs... unable to get on with work because i don't know the passwords into ebay and oxfam... and like fuck am i gona go ask for help to get on with work... i really do have a thing for isolating my self ^_^ lol |
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| stupid day dreamer | ||||
| 01:10pm 22/04/2009 | ||||
I'm so bored of life, had an interview this morning, and got some further interview/test thing tomorow 12-8/9pm ... don't know if i should be excited about the prospect of getting a job or not... because i just don't really care about it... Lol at the application form though "rate your self esteem" erm... so low you need a magnfing glass just to spot it? lol if only that was an option. I can't be arsed with this any more, i'm never going to fall in love again... hell i don't even want to at the moment... i just want... death... depresingly |
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blank| oxfam | |||
| 12:13pm 20/04/2009 | |||
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Bored as hell listing stuff for oxfam... listening to radio... and even though i know she's well over me and even with someone else... pinks song "belong together" yea... sounds like some shit i was tellin my self a few months ago... life is so shit... ...just don't want to live any more |
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| self harm | |||
| 05:41pm 13/04/2009 | |||
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just been cutting again... don't know why... just felt like it. none of the cuts went deep, infact i'm surprised it started bleadin as much as it did. Then my dad came up to tell me he was takin nana home. I tried to hide it from him... but the blood was pourin over my arm stained a white t-shirt with blood now and my fav blue jeans. I don't even know why i wanted to cut i don't know why i struggled to get the blade sevreal little slices down '18-12' don't even make me feel good infact i started cryin when my dad reliesed i can't stand being alive any more... it's all just shit |
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| roses for valentines | |||
| 11:06am 13/04/2009 | |||
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The real reason i bought the dozen rosses in wolverhampton, was not because i thought it'd be inapropriate, but because i wantted to watch them die... hopefully with my love for amber. However when i saw her again, i just had to give her them... i don't know why, probably the same reason why i get tempted to buy her flowers every time i walk past a flower store... because i didn't remember her favourite flower. I wish i could stop thinkin of her, i realy do... i just want to sort of get on with my life, forget her... mark her up as an ex... but i can't... and it's startin to annoy me now. I asked her if i could see her again soon, she seemed to smile when i suggested christmas... but i guess i'm just clutching to straws in hopes she's just testing me. I'm such a sap. though her hand round my neck while andrew wasn't looking... damn... that turned me on lol wish i could chear up a lottle |
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| so much for my happy ending | |||
| 10:19am 11/04/2009 | |||
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I kid my self that she means something to me She's just another girl, and i know they'll be sevreal more Maybe i need to stop waitin for a happy ending, and start livin Too many girls have made me obsessed with them like she has and i need to get my head out of the clouds actually i need a goal in life, and right now i don't have one hell can't even think of something to do with my weekends. but got oxfam placement interview thing on tusday, so that'll give me something to do. Then i'll either look into doin a night course at hull college, or try gettin a job in IT... will give me a big punch up in my moneiez lol The main thought i've got of her now is "does she think of me" |
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| drawing | |||
| 01:57pm 10/04/2009 | |||
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i keep doing stupid little drawings... I hate them Each one gets to a certain point and i just look at it it's wrong draw something else do something else i really want to draw her as i remember her but the dream ended without me bein able to see her so i forgot her pritty little face, and only remember her black hair grrr feel so bored and useless... only 'cut' again yestie... little peice of glass... it stung... i sort of enjoyed it... but not like what i used to... seems like most of my emotions apart from self hatrid are switched off... oh well, at least the odd thing makes me smile though. p.s. keeping people off your mind is hard |
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| depressing | |||
| 02:06pm 08/04/2009 | |||
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just read over about three years of my journal... and reliesed i never posted about a good day with amber. I've posted the same sorta crap about her recently, that i did with amy... and funnily there isn't any mention of amy on my blog. more importantly someone commented on here, no name... and now i'm paranoid about it being posted by amber. It wouldn't surprise me that she knows about this blog just surprise me that she reads it. but noticed a cute girl at strand house... damn wish i wasn't so dam shy some times. |
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| amber | |||
| 01:21pm 29/03/2009 | |||
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I'm really fed up of how i feel for her. she hates me because i'm pathetic... and i've got to agree with her there. but theres just something about the way she made me feel. i never had friends like she does... and she made me feel like a friend. but she might have well just been playin mind games with me i feel sick almost everyday music doesn't help not because it reminds me of her... but because pritty much every song is some sort of love song... and i love her way too much for my own good. but meh, a4e starts tomorow... oh joys... hopefully get a job by the end of it... and i'm gona send her something for her birthday... even though she hates me... just because i can really. hallelujah - the song i sang when waitin for her :'( |
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| life death and the bits inbetween | |||
| 06:10pm 16/03/2009 | |||
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I'm fed up of thinkin of her, she made me feel so good over the last year... but it's all over now. The trick to enjoying life isn't just falling in love with someone. It's also about getting out and being someone. However sometimes people are just a bit too shy to get out and do things, they just seem to fade away, writting crap about people they never plan on meeting. however every once in a while, these people fall in love... then they will risk everything just to see that person again... only to feel rejected... and that makes them start to doubt who they are, or why they did what they did. she was everything i needed from a friend, let alone a girlfriend... however i would never risk goin out with her just because my mind wouldn't allow it. Then when i thought we was goin to try being more then what we was, she leaves my life. I'm sure at one point i'll pull my self together. however i doubt my dreams in where i get to see her again. but in a sad way, they keep me going. |
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| dreams | |||
| 12:16pm 10/03/2009 | |||
| i wish i could say i dreamed of her last night... but it seems like all my thoughts have just stoped, can't even think of something to write on here... i just feel god damn numb | |||
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| 555 | |||
| 04:01pm 27/02/2009 | |||
| if so then your still my six six six and the honest truth... i would again if you really just wantted to be with me... rather then be alone... if you need a walk or a talk... i know lots of girls... but i just wana talk | |||
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| bleading heart ranger | ||||
| 02:30am 15/02/2009 | ||||
i gave her shit about being with me and now... i just want to be with her it's not just cause i'm lonly it's not a mind game this girl cared for me despite my own self hate and now everyday that she doesn't talk to me is torture. i can't believe she actaully stoped talkin to me i wish she did it sooner... then maybe i would have asked her out... god i feel fucking retarded. i miss her... but i'm about 90% sure she's happier now that she's not thinkin of me... but i mean... she is just so damn perfect, from the way she fucks, to the way she laugths. the way she taunts to the way she cries. she is the only person to have ever been able to make me happy just because i cheered them up... and i miss being her friend, more then i miss being her fuck. i miss hearing her rants about school, i miss her yelling at her sister when we're on the phone. i miss the girl so damn much... that i don't want to be allowed back into her life... hopefully a year will pass, and we'll meet again... then maybe circumstance will be different... and i'll treat her right. but until that day i miss her... and i want no-one till i can kiss her |
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scared|
zepth |
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Friends Info Calendar Zepths page of stuff |
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